Banango Lit

Zack Schuster liveblogged the Beachy awards. Zack is the author of Trackback, reviewed here by Beach Sloth. We like Zack. Check him out on Twitter!

editor’s note: I do not live in Ohio

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9:32 - Best Alt Lit Novel just got announced, so we should be moving into the Beachies soon I guess.

9:33 - Aww, he was about to announce it, too, then I guess someone got called a jerk. DAMN.

9:34 - Setting change for the Beachies, “The alternative to the alternative.” Steve goes to his “teenage bedroom.” Steve calls Beach Sloth “one of the most beautiful people on the internet.”

9:36 - “…Anyway, I really like Beach Sloth.” Ugh, a whole four minutes before we get to the Beachies. It’s like he’s trying to be a good MC or something.

9:38 - Steve takes a break to put a ribbon on his face.

9:39 - Best online squatter - Happy Dog Mom Lit Journal. …What’s an online squatter, and how does one be best at it?

9:40 - STEVE TOLD EVERYONE TO PUT ON THEIR CAPS LOCK KEY SO I DID

9:41 - BEST NAMED-AFTER-AN-ANIMAL AWARD: MEGHAN LAMB

9:42 - BEST USE OF SHOOTING STAR IMAGERY: JENNIFER FALLINGSTAR

9:43 - My keyboard is glaring at me.

9:44 - Best Person Being Confused For Beach Sloth Award - Christopher Higgs

9:45 - Jordan Castro gets everyone to post his name in all-caps in chat. 

9:46 - It devolves into everyone putting awful adjectives in front of the word “peen”. SHRIVELED EMACIATED PEEN

9:47 - Best person to overcome an arrest (I think that’s the award name?) - Chandwick Reddin (I think that’s his name?)

9:48 - People (including, of course, Jordan Castro) are now offering to do terrible things to their butt-hair for PayPal monies.

9:49 - Best Fo’ Sho’ - ZACK SCHUSTER. Just kidding, it’s Megan Boyle. I know, it surprised me just as much.

9:50 - Steve moves into his brother’s bedroom and gets on an exercise bike.

9:51 - “I feel like I can go pretty fast but there’s no resistance so it’s like what the hell…the screen on here is pretty dark…i’m trying to succeed but it’s pretty difficult.”

9:52 - Beach Sloth is about to leave, just as Steve does “Best Syllabus”, which goes to Shaun Gannon.

9:53 - Lots and lots of hearts in chat after that award.

9:54 - Best portrayal of an online presence - Michael J Seidlinger (I consulted the chat for that one)

9:55 - Best use of a potato salad - lots of people pulling for Ohio, but it goes to Justin Carter instead.

9:56 - HOLD UP JUSTIN CARTER LIVES IN OHIO. The day is saved. Steve says the awards are starting to wind down because “it’s been almost two hours.”

9:57 - Best anonymous online presence - peterbd, who actually sent me a few poems before I left for Basic (and included me in one of his more recent poems).

9:59 - NO AD NOOOOOOO-okay I didn’t miss anything, good.

10:00 - Four awards left. Best use of neon and glitter - Neon Glittery, of course. “She was kind of in a league of her own, <i>arguably</i>.” Neon’s also from Ohio. I actually have her chapbook back home; MOST DEFS something I look forward to reading when I get back in March (OH SO LONG OF A WAIT).

10:01 - Best use of physical violence at a reading (“A lot of competition for this one”) - Mike Bushnell. “I actually have a paint stain on the back of one of my shirts from hugging him after his story.”

10:02 - This happened back during the IRL Poetry Tour, I guess. Some dude was being obnoxious on his phone. Violence ensues. A tin snack can lid got bent (from being smashed against a head).

10:05 - Best use of reality - MDMA Films

10:06 - Steve says one of their films is a two-hour-long one take, shot on a Macbook

10:07 - Beach Sloth ALMOST LEFT right before the LAST AWARD. Scandalous! 

10:08 - Fantastic Award Great Job - Jackson Nieuwland (GET IT? ‘EVERYTHING IS FANTASTIC’?)

10:09 Dec 28 2011 until 8:00 Dec 28 2012 - THE WORLD RECOVERS FROM ZACK SCHUSTER NOT WINNING AN AWARD.

10:10 - Steve tours his home some more. Frank Hinton leaves. The Beachies, and thus the award show as a whole, are OVER. Peace out, beaches (GET IT?)